|3/22/99 1:16 pm||60||0|
|This is pulled from a site I heard about on rec.music.makers.builders, on a thread entitled "Funniest customer request?"
From the mid '70's through the mid '80's, I owned a small music store specializing in repair of guitars and electronic music gear. We dealt mostly with professional musicians who knew what they needed, but occasionally a neophyte would wander in and try to express his or her requirements in technical jargon instead of just saying what they wanted.
Our policy was to try to complete the transaction with a straight face, then the employee was required to run to the back of the shop and write the babble on the wall as soon as possible so as to preserve it verbatim.
Some of the following will be funny only to pro audio type people. Some will make sense only to guitar players. Some are so bizarre that even I don't understand them. All are things that real people said in my shop, and it got written on the wall. You shoulda heard the ones that got away! Enjoy!
I didn't even break a string, so it lost my mind to change them.
My guitar is out of tonation.
I took my speaker to be recored.
There's a short somewhere along the line. I think it's in the ground.
How would I build an amplifier if I already had the speakers? Just select the right diodes for the frequency, right?
For a while, they were selling like wildcakes.
Gary just set the indentation.
I put shimmies under the neck.
I need a new plate and a couple of pods on the input.
I played it at a recording recession last week.
This will go two or three keys on a fret, right?
Do you have cassette tape demagnifiers?
...all pandemanium broke loose!
When the string oscillates, it causes a fretting situation.
Does this distortion sing or does it dirt?
I plugged it in and the knob blew up!
How long will it take to set the inclination on my guitar?
I need something to give it more privalence.
I need a four amp slow burn fuse.
This cord is cheap. I don't get a thick enough current.
I can't sing lead, but I can sing rhythm.
Which one will make my guitar sound good?
Do you have Ovulation guitars?
I need two speaker jacks for more velocity.
Give me an extortion pedal.
We're looking for something with a lot of power. 200 cc's or so.
We need a cord adopter.
Do you have a pitchfork? No, I mean the kind you blow in.
My guitar is having tenacity problems.
He soldered some modern things in there that would help out.
It sounds all right, but I'm a little optimistic about it still.
How much is it for a $50.00 flanger?
Can you straighten the indentation on my guitar?
Which one is the crank box?
That guitar has lots of renesance.
He said he checked these cords with a vomiter.
Man, when I heard that, it completed my imagination.
Give me a 1/4" phono jack plug end.
Can you cut some wires to get more growl?
When a wire breaks and is repaired, you still lose some of its impedance, right?
Do you have Whirled-Wind cords?
If these speakers are efficient, I could just wire them up, right?
The lowest priced ones were in this business (ed. note: we're no longer in this business!)
It had magnetic pickups and a Bigsby tonearm.
We're not out of the clear yet.
Is there any modern stuff you could put in my guitar to make it sound better?
The object itself justifies the price.
Is that a paramedic equalizer?
Well, bizarre me!
Do you have the strings with the two balls on the end for the Steinbrunner?
He said the neck was warped because of a difference in tensile strengths.
When I play it, the sound becomes even more erect.
After the guitar, there comes a point where you get to the amplifier, right?
Can't you just put it on the scope and see what's wrong?
You blew up those speakers because they gave you too efficient a speaker cord.
I'm in the financial disposition that I can't do it now.
We're looking for a no-thrills microphone.
If you use your effects right, you can't tell if they're on.
"It's almost the thermal equinox." "No, the vermal equinox."
Do you have electronic metrodomes?
Those Bartonelli pickups aren't bad.
What kind of string do I buy for low action?
You've never seen invisible stands?
It feeds back with a loud howl like a dead input short.
it's a Peavey Pastry.
Show me a wow-wow pedal.
The tit on the plug is hot, right?
Stan cleaned the pontomiters.
It slipped my remembrance.
Bill said he'd fix our Roving Restroom.
A fully professional synthesizer
Do you have a digital relay?
Do you do nut work here?
When you put it in reverse, it blows the fuse.
Can you fix the reverd?
I use a power soak so my Marshall doesn't drain out the whole stage.
Do you have a tremble bar?
Do you got a circumciser to set on top of the piano?
How much is a pickup that will give me a lighter sound?
I want a new pickup and two new pots and pans.
I need xlr jacks and the flushmount plugs they go into.
Do you sell Belgian cable?
Just give me a round ball figure.
Output voltage is an exponential thing.
Our drummer has a Lugwood double set.
There's a shortage in both of these cords!
We need some registers for our snakes.
How much do you sell stuff for?
Can I get the $9.95 bench press on my amp?
Somebody told me my amp was passing current.
I need a direct box with a transformer to keep my microphone cords from heating up.
I know the cord's OK, 'cause I can hear it buzzing.
I need a 16 gauge speaker.
How fast does that vibrayto go in H-Z?
I need some speakers rehoned.
How much will it cost and how many rpm's go through it?
I need a set of semantics for my amp.
Having a speaker reconed is like throwing money in the bushes.
|Paul Perry||3/10/99 12:08 pm||27||0|
|I owe this one to a listmember of synth-diy who wants to remain anon.. apparently he had a broken pair of diagonal cutters in his shop & yelled out to his assistant 'get these @#$%&* dikes outa here' thereby mortally offending 2 customers of 'that' persuasion!!!|
|Paul Perry||3/10/99 12:04 pm||18||0|
|My soldering/book-keeping assistant took the old 2W carbon resistors and wound them into her dreadlocks ... they look great, just like those 'trade beads'! The only problem is, whenever I look at her I just think 1.2K.|
|Steve Dallman||3/8/99 1:00 am||17||0|
|A young mouthbreather (MB) brought a Cry Baby into the store complaining' "it doesn't wha anymore." Dave, the manager, asked if he took the bottom off which MB had. Dave told him, "I think you let the wha out." MB replies,"Do you think so?" I found one leg of the inductor broken. When repaired and with a new battery installed Dave returned the pedal to young Beavis making him promise to never take the bottom of the pedal off again.|
|Matt||3/6/99 1:56 am||13||0|
|About 7-8 years ago there was a guy who owned a music shop near where I live.This guy (I won't name any names)thought he knew everything about everything and he was never wrong.Anyway I walked into his shop and he was telling me about one of his Fender amps and how it was'nt working anymore,how it was working 5 minutes ago.He was getting real panicky.I stuck my head under the chassis and told him that the amp would work better if he took the 6L6 that's in the rectifier and the rectifier valve thats in the output stage and swap them around.|
|Matt||3/6/99 1:43 am||6||0|
|This is not really humor,as I could've gone up in smoke,but I tell it here anyway for people to check 2nd hand mains powered equipment:
A few years ago I bought a Morley Power Wah(old silver mains powered one) from a pawn shop.Just recently I had to fix the plug as the wires had begun to be exposed from the end of the plug.When I undid the plug I saw that some complete moron had connected the ACTIVE and EARTH the wrong way around.
Complete stupidity! Now I check every AC powered thing that I buy.
|Michael Burgundy||3/5/99 6:30 pm||14||0|
|What is it with musicians and food? In the local rehearsalstudio a band once decided their guitarist needed a good practical joke;
About a month later his room smelled horrible, his clothes, his guitar.... When prompted about this he finally narrowed it down to the guitar. When he screwed off the scratchplate, he found the cavities stuffed with what apparently once was a pound of ground beef...